better late than never......?

Is that saying about things are better late than never really true? ...

So, I feel pretty stupid and kinda embarrassed. I talked a big game and tried to catch up all during November by blogging everyday. But then I forgot (on day four) and then shortened my commitment to during the weekdays only – and then I was like, I don’t have time to blog on Wednesdays and then it just all went to hell.

I apologize for leading you all on. That wasn’t right of me, but I was really hoping I would actually write so many blogs so I wouldn’t end up where I am right now. Which is now hovering between screwed and lostcause territory.

But if these last efforts still count, which I’m hoping – and while there isn’t much chance that I can catch up, I’m still going to write down some final thoughts and post em. (And actually post them, because I seriously – no bs intended and I’m not lying about this – lost blogful word documents when my computer just up and died right before everything and its mom was due in my life. But that was then - I just had to let everything from freshmen year to today vanish into thin technologically empty air.)

So, blogging. I talk with friends about how much I can’t bring myself to doing it. Not 3 times a week, not on open-ended themes about oh, anything under the sun. I am a reluctant blogger, blogging because some fraction of my already challenged grade depends on it. But for some reason, because it’s online or something, I take this assignment less seriously. Even still. I’m writing this in a word document because I trust that it will save my work, whereas I feel the blog machine is a bit more maniacal and will sometimes decide to pull a fast one and eat up my content. But also, I have been actively reading what you all put up, and I really appreciate your contributions – even more so when classes don’t give us all a chance to speak our minds, but personally I don’t like this lack of control. Not only of how my blogs are received in this class, or of who else can see what I put up – but of the format and everything.

Granted I feel like I’m whining about this too, but when I have other assignments to print and hand in, I can control those to an extent. Here in the blogosphere I feel unequipped to write stimulating and engaging content, and that since everything looks the same in this class, that it’s dually dull and not worth bothering in the first place.

See, even what I’m writing now feels extremely personal – and I’m just about to post this for members on the internet to see and judge and do with what they will. Authorship is a trip, and I can’t handle all the baggage that comes along with it. But I guess the only way to find that out is to go through this terrible process.
Did anyone else really hate having to do this? Beyond just it being a pain in your backside, were any of you stubbornly/stupidly opposed and at times, literally unable to blog? Because that happened nearly everytime – I’d rather talk in class (except for certain times when it’s oppressively silent and its palpable how badly everyone wants to run out of class as fast as possible) just because I’m old-fashioned or something.

And I don’t know the point of these blogs –I felt like a little lab rat, seeing how the kids use the internet. Ultimately, I can’t say it was successful. And I don’t get professors preoccupations with trying to create another classroom public space on the web, whether in the form of bulletin boards or webCT or these blogs. I’m guessing it was a way for all of us to collect our thoughts, and be really informed for discussion… but did that happen?
I know the blog was referenced and that it was helpful for sharing, great and fine – but I mean, I didn’t contribute how I wished I could have.

But maybe we were just supposed to post mainly about the readings, and our own grasps on this term of authorship? At this point in the game, I’m just happy to be done with this class, as nothing seemed to work out right for me. Week after week, I’d be excited to start a book – and find out it was either not very interesting and not saying much, or find that the complete opposite was true and the texts would be interesting, but ridiculously overly theoretical and waay over my head. Besides Understanding Comics and House of Leaves, I was out of my element. And I didn’t know what to say about any of this, so I decided to take the easier route and just write some thoughts in word until I could pull together a decent blog post, and try to participate a whole bunch during class instead.

So what happens when authorship is forced on an unwilling person? Like oh say, if someone isn’t so into their thesis, but they do through the motions just because they have to?

Oh woa, this is turning out to be pretty depressing - to sum up my experience in this class just to find that I’m still unsure of my passion and my motivations and oh damn. I know I shouldn’t be so worried, but it’s kind of hard to stay unconcerned when so many others are producing and capable, and seemingly have their shit together. How did you all bring yourselves to blog? It’s still a total mystery to me, so maybe me asking you all flat out might shed some light and enlighten me as to how people go about doing the things that they don’t really feel in their hearts like doing?