(This started out as a reply to two separate posts, but got rather long and wandered off a bit on its own argument, so I’m posting it independently, but referencing the posts that inspired parts of it where applicable.)
In reply to CZ and his assertion that the Oankali are definitely alien in his comment to roseblack’s post --I'm not going to argue that there is a direct correlation between every aspect of the Oankali and humans. Lacking my own tentacled ooloi, I'd be a bit hard pressed. I will, however, argue that there are many parallels to be drawn between them and us, particularly pertaining to gender. That is, if I can be trusted to not be apparently inherently manipulative self.
As CZ stated in own blog, the Oankali are not in the moral right they wish to see themselves inhabiting (a self-delusion to which humans themselves are prone).
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